Happily Ever After

Archive for September 2008

Therapy

Posted on: September 30, 2008

My husband and I have been going together to my therapist twice a month so I can deal with my issues thank to my infertility.

I’ve been putting off writing….as a matter of fact this blog window has been open since 9 am this morning and it’s now almost 2:00 in the afternoon.

I don’t even know where to begin or how to explain how I’m feeling but it’s not a happy place. Not at all.

Even my infertile friends are getting pregnant. (whether by IVF with their eggs or donor eggs) I’m definitely being left behind. Some of my friends are even on their second baby.

I honestly just want this to be over. I want to forget about babies. I just want to stop thinking about this but I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about something my heart desires this much. It’s just not possible.

I don’t have the energy to write about this now. I can’t do this to myself when I’m at work but when I get home I don’t want to either.

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Today is not a good day. I’m starting to slowly feel better though so that’s good.

Today is one of those days where I’m depressed. It’s been happening since Friday. I’ve been slowly declining since then. I wish I could stop thinking about TTC but I can’t. My friends are all having babies…heck even my infertile friends are prego…some of which are via egg donors but none the less I feel left behind. Some of my long time FF buddies are on baby #2 or more. Quite depressing.

A co worker of mine that has been TTC for 2 years went on clomid and got pregnant right away. Unfortunately she had a chemical but she got pregnant the second time and so far the baby has stuck. I’m incredibly happy for her but I am jealous. Pretty pathetic huh? Jealous of a woman who had to struggle for 2 years to get pregnant. I just wish to myself “I wish it was that easy for me”. I know for her it wasn’t easy. For her it was torture. However to me she is very fertile. It’s pretty sad how my infertility and IVF history has warped my way of thinking.

I know some day I’ll be a mother but I’m honestly sick of thinking about it. I wish I could live a happy baby free life but I can’t. I’ll never be fully happy if I can’t have kids.

I think my problem is that I’m taking on to much. I’m taking a break so I can grieve and deal with the fact that I can’t have kids. The book “adoption after infertility” often refers to infertility as a loss. I have to deal with my emotions so I can get back to a better state of mind. On the other hand my insurance is only good through 6/30/09. The company I work for was sold and so the insurance could change next year. So I’m in the middle of trying to plan an IVF in January. My husband and I decided we wanted answers so we are going to get CGH (genetic testing) done on my eggs to see if they indeed are the reason our embryo’s are chromosomally abnormal. We both think it will give us the closure we need. However this procedure costs $5,200. I have to pay out of pocket then attempt to get reimbursed by my insurance company. I’ve tried to get my ins company to tell me how much they will reimburse but they can’t. That’s a LONG story and confusing so I’m not even going to try to explain. Just take my word for it.

On top of that we have been doing our paperwork for adoption. Then, thanks to the book I’m reading, I have started to think about donor embryo. It will take a few months of research and thought in order to come to a decision. I did talk to my husband about it but he’s not to fond of the idea. He did admit though that he has no good reason to feel that way and that we need to research it.

Well I suppose I should get back to work.

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged.

I ended up consulting with Dr. T at SIRM. If we cycle with them it won’t be till January 2009. DH and I aren’t quite financially ready to put down $5,200 down for the egg testing (CGH on my eggs).
In the mean time we have started the process to adopt. Sometimes I’m excited about it and other times I feel like I’m having an emotional break down….Today’s is one of those days.

I’m reading the book “adoption after infertility” and it has got me thinking. In one of the chapters it asks you to basically think about all your options (husband and wife do this separately) Honestly it’s really hard to explain what she asks you to do so I’m not even going to try. Not to mention I don’t have the time. It’s really got me thinking about adoption vs embryo adoption. Being in such a state of limbo isn’t easy though.

I’ve been trying to take time for myself but this weekend I did NOT get to do that. From Friday on I was with people 24/7. I feel like an emotional wreck today and can’t wait to go home and shut myself in my room.

Oh yeah I can’t remember if I ever mentioned that my husbands step brother, wife and 16 month old are staying with us. It’s been quite hard having them around while I’m going through all this emotional crap. The problem isn’t that they are here (they are quite helpful actually, my sister in law cooks and cleans so that takes that off my shoulders). What is hard is when I’m really upset I sometimes tend to offend my brother in law. He’s kind of like an emotional sponge. He wants to help when someone is upset and I tend to “crawl in my hole” and not accept help. I need to get better at that. I’m not good at accepting help at all. And I will sometimes (not on purpose) offend him and I hate that I do that to people. This is just a really hard time emotionally for me.

My brother in law finds out this week if he is getting a job with liberty mutual (they have been with us since mid June).

Oh and because they live with us they also have a lot of paperwork to do so we can adopt.

I love my family but it’s hard sometimes to have people around when I’m an emotional basket case. I hate people seeing this side of me.

As of yesterday I started thinking about embryo donation instead of adoption. We already put a $1,000 deposit with our adoption agency so we can’t get that back. But embryo donation sounds rather interesting so I’m looking into how that works and costs.

***update***

my brother in law just called to say he got the job! Yay…now hopefully they can find a house and close with in the next month or two (that is their goal)