Happily Ever After

Archive for June 2007

Well today I didn’t get much done and it felt good. I took the day off from work and didn’t get out of my PJ’s until 3pm! I did however find time to do some dishes and a load of laundry but that was it. Tomorrow I’ll have to do some more light house cleaning (vacuuming, sweeping etc). It was nice to have an extra day off.

I turned 28 on Wednesday. I’m not to happy about being 28 and childless but there is nothing I can do about it. I am however starting to get excited about my next IVF. So far the Lupron is treating me well. Although I do have a headache today…not sure if that is why. I’m just waiting for AF to get here so I can start my injects. My doctor said I start the Friday or Saturday after I get my period. I hate that they do that but oh well. Hopefully AF won’t come till late next week so I wont’ be to far into my cycle when I start injects. My follies grow fast even with out the meds. If I start the meds to late it won’t work well at all. Sometimes I feel like a number to my RE. I’ve only seen him once. Lats time I had a different doctor for my retrieval and a different one for my transfer. The transfer is uncomfortable enough as it is let alone having a different male every time I do it.

Today I read a entry on a family members myspace. I really find it sad when people consider doctors “playing God” when it comes to IVF. God gave us our minds and with that came modern medicine. It certainly is NOT taking God out of the picture. The fact that the sperm and the egg make a baby is quite miraculous if you ask me. The doctors can try to force fertilization all they want but they can not make it grow into a child. *sigh* some people are so close minded. I typically don’t mind but it hurts extra hard when it is a close family member. Oh well. I’ve decided that I’m probably not going to tell my husbands family when we get pregnant…not right away. I want to make sure my beta’s double over the course of a month and I want to hear the heart beat first. Then again I may change my mind when it finally happens.

I really hope my next IVF works cause I don’t know how many more times I can go through this.

I hate this emotional roller coaster! I hate the fact that I have good days and bad days. I go through so many emotions every day. The weekends are the worst. I’d almost rather be at work. (did I just say that?!?!?) I try to keep myself busy cleaning but this morning didn’t start the way I wanted it to. I let my husband play on the computer to long. I could have been mean and just told him to get off but I didn’t. I guess we are going to have to have a talk about that. Things need to get done around the house on Saturdays. Work then play…not play then work.

It wouldn’t be so bad but we have a baptism at 1 today to to go then my visiting teacher is coming at 2:30 and she always stays for over an hour chatting. I love her dearly but I have things to do. the fact that nothing has gotten done around the house today just makes it easier for me to get depressed.

I try not to compare myself to others but when I go to church and I see all kinds of young mothers…girls that are years younger then me it just makes me sad. I know my time will come and I will have a child of my own soon but the sadness of my infertility will never go away. It may fade with time but it will always be there. I cant’ reverse time and get the past two years of my life back. People tell me “you’re young”. I HATE that comment! Just because the majority of the people are waiting till their late 30’s to early 40’s to have kids doesn’t make me “young”. On the other end of the spectrum when people see a young woman who has started a family in her early 20’s their comments are “wow she is just a baby.” Our bodies are meant to give birth in our early 20’s…by the time we get to our mid to late 30’s our bodies are winding down. There is nothing wrong with waiting if that is what you chose…but it irritates the crap out of me when people tell me I’m young. I wanted to be a younger mother…I wanted to have a good size family and now I have less time to do so. I’m just sad. We didn’t try right when we got married because my husband was not ready yet. I went on the birth control pill for 18 months because that is what he wanted. At the time it didn’t seem so bad to wait. I didn’t think it would take me over 2 years to get pregnant.

I’m going to be 28 next week and I really don’t want to celebrate my birthday. It wont’ be a “happy” day for me. I start lupron 2 days before my birthday. Yipee (sarcasm)

Going to church is so hard. Sundays are the worst for me. I get so depressed at the thought of going to church. It’s a good thing I don’t live in Utah…I probably would have gone inactive by now.

My IVF blog

Posted on: June 21, 2007

My husband and I have been trying to conceive (TTC) our first child for over 2 years now. We recently started going through IVF treatments and I finally decided to start a blog about our journey.

My husband is 26 and is getting ready to enter his senior year of college. He will graduate in May of 2008 with a bachelors in Business Management/Computer Information Systems.

I’m 28 and have been graduated from college since 2000. I currently work in advertising and can’t wait for my husband to graduate so he can get a real job. 🙂 My plan was always to be a stay at home mom (SAHM) Hopefully by the time he graduates my dream will come true, and we will have a little one.

We started infertility treatments in June of 2005. We did 4 natural cycles with HCG to trigger ovulation then moved to IUI with fertility drugs. We did 4 cycles that took 8 months to complete. (rest cycle after each IUI cycle due to corpus luteum cysts) Each IUI cycle I had at least 6 mature follicles at ovulation. One cycle I had 10-13 and it still didn’t work.

We just completed our first IVF (with ICSI since it is covered by insurance) the beginning of June. We transfered 1 perfect 8 cell and one almost perfect 5 cell embryo on day 3. BFN again. 😦 Must have been sheer bad luck cause so far we are “unexplained”. My husband has low morphology (head defects) but that is fixable and it wasn’t to the point that it would make conceiving impossible on our own.

Here are my embryo’s from my first IVF:

We are gearing up to do our second IVF in July. I will be on Lupron for the first time and should start on 6/25. I will be on a higher dosage of Gonal F this time so we can, hopefully, get more eggs at retrieval. I’m hoping that we will have enough this time to do a 5 day transfer since our 3 day transfer didn’t work. I’d like to see if my embryo’s make it to day 5. It also ensures you pick the strongest/best embryo’s for transfer.