Happily Ever After

Archive for January 2008

I can’t stand my job any more. I thought I’d like the way they designed my new “position” (didn’t have a choice in the matter either) Well I don’t. I realized I’m doing a LOT more work and I don’t think I’m going to make nearly as much as I did last year. It’s hard to estimate since I’m commissioned. It’s hard to say really. I could end up making just as much. I guess the biggest issue is I just don’t like my job. I haven’t for a long time. I want out of sales.

I’ve been searching and have found 2 jobs I am interested in. 1 I’m VERY interested in and I “qualify” it pays about $10k less per year then I make right now but it would be worth it. Only problem? It doesn’t tell you the name of the company and uses a yahoo email address and a P.O box for resume’s. I highly doubt it’s my company but what if it was? Again I very highly doubt it but I’m not sure if I can take that chance. I know the chances of that are slim since my company is firing people not hiring but you never know. They are quite sneaky like that too.

I guess it doesn’t matter much since I need my health insurance through March for my IVF. *sigh*

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numb

Posted on: January 27, 2008

Most recently I have begun to feel numb to the IVF process. I’m not scared any more, I’m not hopeful I’m just going with the flow. At first I thought it was because I trusted my new RE…and I do trust him more then my last…however the past few days I’ve been able to think about how I’m feeling and I think it is more of a numb feeling…after all the failures I’ve had I’ve given up on hope…ok maybe I said that wrong. I still hope it will work but I’ve got more of an “I don’t care” or “what ever happens, happens” attitude. I mean I’m not scared of a failure let’s face it I have a higher chance of this not working then working at this point.

There were 2 new babies born in our ward. One of them was in church today (born on Tuesday). I couldn’t bring myself to go say congratulations to her. As a matter of fact I’ve been quite cold to her since I found out she was pregnant. She had 2 kids with her previous marriage and this one was (and I could be wrong here) an “oops.” It drives me nuts. “oops” babies and honeymoon babies.

I guess I’m trying to distance myself from that. Speaking of babies I offered for my BIL and his wife to stay with DH and I when they come here this summer. My BIL doesn’t have a job yet and my SIL is a SAHM to my 8 month old nephew. he will be 14 months old when they come here. I’m hoping they can find a job and a place to stay but if not they are welcome to stay here. I guess it would be nice to have a child in the house but then again it might be hard too. I just pray that I’m pregnant by the time May or June rolls around. Not only will May be our 3 year mark but in June I’ll be turning 29. 29 and no children. Now if I only wanted a few babies then I’d be ok with that, but I want a big family and I don’t want my body telling me when it’s done.

Well I guess I should go find something constructive to do with my day rather then sit here and dwell on the fact that I’m not pregnant.

“sooner then you’ll think.” Those words still haunt me…. what ever.

Oh and I’m sick of having baby dreams. Dreams of giving birth, dreams of babies, dreams of getting a BFP. I wish it would just go away.

17 more days of the BCP but who’s counting. 🙂 …and isn’t it stupid that the BCP is part of the IVF process?

I met with my RE today. Here is my protocol:

BCP 1/20 – 2/13. Go in on 2/16 for blood work and u/s. If no AF I still go in and get it done.
Start stims on CD 2 or 2/16 if my b/w comes back ok.

He is lowering my dosage back to 15o (I was on 225 last time and had 9 follicles but only 3 eggs retrieved) I’m very nervous about the dosage specially since I only had 3 follies on 100mg of clomid. he said that concerned him a bit (I had 3 follies on 50mg back in 2005 so my response is getting worse).

I will ad ganerellix when my lead follie is 14mm (done this protocol twice) and start repronex when he tells me to.

I asked him to give me more antibiotics even though my biopsy came back clean so he wrote me a prescription for another weeks worth. He said on CD 2 DH and I take a very large dosage (1000mg) of zithromax (spelling?).

I have decided to just try to trust my RE and not second guess him. He is trying to get me to stim longer (I stim to quickly) but I’m afraid the 150iu (which I was on for all my IUI’s and IVF #1) won’t give me a lot of follicles. I mean for my IUI’s I had about 6-8 follies on 150IU..same thing for IVF #1. For IVF #2 I was over supressed with lupron and only got 3. My last IVF I was on 225 IU gonal F and still only had 8-9 follicles. I’m very confused.

Oh there was one freak IUI cycle where I had 13 follies on 150iu. Man I wish that would happen again!!

I am also using PIO this time and a higher dosage of HCG. He thinks the ovidrel wasn’t strong enough, hence my eggs not releasing from the follicle wall and only getting 3 out of 9.

He also says he can get a mature egg out of a 14mm follicle (based on all the cycles he’s done over the years) so that makes me feel a little bit better too.

I’m nervous but oh well.

Today DH found out that he is being let go from his job as of 1/31. he is an intern and his boss is letting him go because his trainer doesn’t like him. How freaking stupid is that??? We are both SOOOOO mad. The good thing is he has an interview next week to see if he can get a job in another department (a job for when he graduates) but we need the money now so now not only does he have to find a job for the semester but he has to send out his resume’s for when he graduates. This company told him they wanted him for the position then she goes and lets him go. The thing is he is better at the job then the “trainer” is and she didn’t like him because of it. Not to be prideful but my husband is a very ahrd worker and very good at what he does. He fixed things that the engineers (the IT people that deal with deep issues) couldn’t fix. The fix they gave him didn’t work but he found a way to fix it.

needless to say I’m very stressed right now and on top of it I have a talk to give on Sunday and I just found out my SIL and her husband just went inactive. Not a surprise as I did see this coming since they went to the temple together. Oh well…I’m sad for them but it’s their decision to make. I have to say I saw this coming months ago.

Today is CD 1. AF found me last night. Shocker…

Start BCP tomorrow. Take till Feb 13th. (need to take at least 21 days and have to stop on a Wednesday-stupid to make me go that long but oh well).

Call on Feb 11 to see if ins approval has gone through (they refuse to submit it until DH has his SA on 1/23. I told them my ins will approve ICSI with out a new SA but they don’t care. *rolls eyes*. What ever. Anyhow, I got in on 2/16. I’m assuming it’s for blood work and an u/s? I really don’t know since I may be just getting AF by then.

I stim for about 8-9 days (9 if I’m lucky) so depending on what day I start my period and what dayIi start stims I should have ER around 2/28. My Re does only 2 day transfers so ET will be 2 days after that. I’m still not sure how I feel about 2 day transfers but I’ll trust him I guess.

Guess it doesn’t matter if I get a ton of eggs this month. all I need is 2 on day 2. however having some to freeze would be great…only bad side is my ins said they don’t cover the freezing…everything but freezing LOL

Still scared to start this process for the 4th time. Oh man do I wish I could just do an FET. How nice that would be. It (to me) would be so much less stress then this entire procedure for a 4th fresh cycle. *sigh*

Yeah so I’m really starting to doubt the words “it will happen soon”. Um…what ever…am I being punished or something? Why hasn’t it happened yet? It’s been MONTHS since I’ve gotten that blessing and I won’t get pregnant on the BCP..I mean COME ON! PULEEEEEEESSSS

O.K rant over.

DH and I went away this weekend. We both took Friday off and went to North Conway (we honey mooned there). We stay in the same cabin every year. It’s nice. We got to do a TON of shopping on Saturday. We were out for 7 hours! We did take a break to see “I am legend” (good movie) and to eat lunch.

It was nice to get away from work and spend some quality time with DH. However work is very stressful. I haven’t slept well in 3 days. The kicker is I wake up and I’m not tired so that’s good I guess. But night time is not something I look forward to now. I hate tossing and turning. Not being able to get comfortable, not being able to shut my brain off. To dream of work, wake up for no reason thinking of work and the stress.

I told DH I don’t know how much more of it I can take and I can’t promise what I’ll do when he graduates. My job position has been changed because we are being put on sales teams. I have 2 outside sales reps and a coordinator on my team. One of my sales reps…well is going to take some work and my pay check depends on how well they do. They are supposed to hand over all their accounts for me to handle so I can keep them up and up sell them ( I work for a newspaper/media company) into our various products. Anyhow, it’s stressful and even though I got a very nice “raise” this year in actuality it’s not a raise….I made $6k more then my boss estimated I would last year. Well that $6k was considered “bonuses” so my raise is taken on the amount she said I would have made not what I actually made. Doesn’t make sense to me. Anyhow, hard to explain. With the new pay scale it will be a LOT harder for me to get those aforementioned bonuses. I have a feeling I’ll be making less money which stinks. However if I am making more money it will give me a very good reason to get done when DH graduates college and starts working full time.

Speaking of work I have to leave or I’ll be late

vent

Posted on: January 14, 2008

Man people on FF can really get defensive. Now I remember why I stay away from most of the boards. I stick to my buddy groups and the IVF recyclers forum. I never ever butt heads with the girls there. The only reason I still have a membership is because of the friendships I have made.

I realize that being in your twenties and 30’s is considered “young” but it kind of also irritates me when woman in their mid to late 30’s say they are still “young” in the TTC game when that is just not the truth (in my opinion) in you late 30’s your body really starts to wind down. There is a good reason that over 35 you can see a specialist after 6 months…and you can transfer more then 2 embryo’s with IVF. The fact of the matter is with lots of woman your egg quality starts to slowly diminish. It bothers me that just because woman are waiting to have kids (for what ever reasons) till their 40’s it makes us that are in their 20’s and 30’s very “young”. I can’t even go on to describe how much that bothers me.

anyhow, I had to get that off my chest. I think I’ll stay away from FF today.

My RE refused to let me trigger this month. He said he wanted to “see” what my body did on it’s own. Yet he only brought me in for an u/s on CD 12 and that was it. I told them ovulation is painful if left to ovulate on my own. It’s happened once before and it was terrible. The pain brings me to my knees much like a bursting cyst. I also hurt for about 2 days after. It felt exactly like I had an egg retrieval. The same thing happened this month. I ovulated 2 days ago and I’m still in pain. I am so bloated my pants don’t fit. (no weight gain though so that is good). This never happened until I started IVF’s so I wonder what is wrong??? I suppose it could have been a cyst but I had a natural cycle before this on and I only get cysts after a medicated cycle so I’m confused and frustrated. I left a message with my new RE’s nurse but I don’t expect them to call me back. It’s like people don’t care. If I got to lay in bed all day it wouldn’t be such a big deal. But I’ve got to work and I have to wear uncomfortable clothes.

Anyhow, It hurts so bad that I can’t check my CP. (the day of O that is) I touched it and I wanted to cry. Needless to say there was NO way DH and I were going to be able to BD. We did about 2 days before ovulation so I’m pretty much out this cycle. Why do I even think that it could work? I guess because the words from my blessing rings in my ears “it will happen sooner then you think.” I’m holding on tight to that but to be honest I’m having a hard time believing it. Clomid makes CM hostile for sperm so if they even survived 48-72 hours it would be a miracle. not to mention if the egg/embryo made a baby.

Oh well. I start the BCP with CD 2. Now lets just hope DH’s SA goes fine and my insurance company approves the IVF quickly so I don’t have to post pone my IVF. I’ll be beyond angry if I have to post pone it.

Their rules are stupid. They don’t have to wait to process the approval but they are. I hate it when doctors do that…when they treat you the same way they do everyone else. It ticks me off.

At least this RE did some tests and found some problems. So I really can’t be THAT mad at him.