Happily Ever After

Archive for April 2012

I decided to go to church today. Last week I couldn’t bring myself to go. Today I made it through the first hour (sacrament ) then decided I didn’t want to stay the last 2 hours. Part of the problem is I Just didn’t want to be around people.

In one of the talks given today she said “The Lord doesn’t give you more then you can handle”.  And her example was how she walked 20 minutes to church with a 2 year old and a 9 month old while living in San Diego, on a very very hot day. It was a good story and I’m glad she shared but all I could do was laugh. not at her story but at the thought that God surely thinks I’m capable of handling a lot of pain. And I can’t help but think he’s wrong. I can’t handle this any more. I’m DONE. So congrats God you have pushed me to my limit and now I’m not sure I want kids any more. I’m not sure this pain is worth it. At least not any more. Ok well I know it’s worth it but Im not stupid enough to keep putting myself through this crap only to be knocked down over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. So yes I’m done. Matter of fact I am ordering this book: http://www.amazon.com/Childfree-After-Infertility-Moving-Childlessness/dp/0595274382

And I am not telling anyone that we are giving up. Mainly because I don’t want to hear anyone say “as soon as you stop trying.” PLEASE. Moving onto a child free life won’t fix my Diminished ovarian reserve and poor egg quality. It won’t fix the fact that my uterus suck’s and clearly is not capable of carrying a baby. If it happens it will have nothing to do with the fact that we “gave up” and everything to do with the fact that it would be a true miracle. God waving his little magic wand (or what ever) and deciding I’m worthy to be a mother. Until then though, I hate to say, I’m out of hope. At least for now. And I’m done with this roller coaster.

So I’ll likely move onto living child free. There is a chance, mind you it’s a small chance, that we will chose to adopt. I’m not even close to ready to go back onto that roller coaster though.

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child free

Posted on: April 25, 2012

I’ve been struggling with the knowledge that deep down inside I know that I need to transition from the frame of mind that I WILL be a mother to accepting a child free life…and to be honest I have no idea how to do that.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not giving up on my dream. But I can’t keep living life the way I am. Always planning what we will try next. We are definitely done with fertility treatments. I can not go through another miscarriage. Our next step will be foster care and or adoption. We have tried adoption before and it was an awful experience. The first match failed at birth. The second one placed with us but took the baby back after 2 weeks. Both times I had induced lactation. The second time I was actually breast feeding our adopted son. We were matched again but she wanted over $10k in expenses so we backed out. She wanted expenses that were un reasonable. $400 a month in gas, $1,250 for maternity clothes, $300 a month for food (she lived at home with her parents and was on WIC), day care for her toddler and the list goes on So we ended up backing out of that one. She did place her baby but I’m not to keen on being ripped off and paying someone for their child. If someone wants to put their child up for adoption they should be doing it because they want a better life for their child. Not because they want money. I have no problem helping with expenses that are NEEDED but she didn’t need any of these. She lived at home with her parents. It went from “I’ll need no money” to “just gas” to over $10k in birth mother expenses. Ok rant over.

The fact of the matter is I’m not ready to move onto adoption and when we do we will likely be using an adoption consultant such as this woman: http://www.theadoptionconsultancy.com/

Today was not a good day emotionally. I was miserable all day and couldn’t snap out of it. I even went to lunch with a friend.

Due date

Posted on: April 24, 2012

Saturday 4/21 was my due date from my first pregnancy. It seems really cruel to be finding out that I’m losing this pregnancy. And to make it worse Mothers day is 5/13. I’ll survive. It is just a lot happening all at once.

4/22/10 was the day that the baby boy that we adopted was born. 5/4/10 was the day she took him back. This is a hard time of year that seems to have gotten even more complicated due to these 2 losses.

I do plan on planting something to remember these babies but I won’t be able to do that till early June when it’s safe to plant. I want to plant a lilac bush but need to find the right spot for it. Which you wouldn’t think would be hard with an acre of land but we already have lots of trees

On leave

Posted on: April 24, 2012

So my doctor decided that it was best for me to take a leave from work so I’ll be off work for the next 2 weeks. It’s not something I’m overly happy about but I know it’s for the best. Last time I went back to work the day I found out we lost the baby and it effected my work quality. And considering the company seems to do a really good job at remembering your screw ups it’s not something I can risk doing again.

I still go from zero to 60. I’ll be ok one minute and have extreme rage the next. Today is going decent. Jon is working from home so I have company. I also hung out with my sister in law and nephews for an hour or so today.

It feels pretty pathetic to be home on leave but I know it’s for the best.

I haven’t really thought about the loss much today. I am trying to find a balance. I don’t want to dwell on it but I don’t want to shove it in the back of my mind only to resurface 6 month’s from now.

I don’t know how woman some times are able to deal with multiple losses. I’ve had 2 (in the past 6 month’s) and that’s hard enough. I can NOT go through this again. It’s simply to hard.

At least this loss was earlier. I was about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant when I actually started to bleed heavy (although we knew earlier that I was going to have a miscarriage because my beta’s didn’t double). Luckily this time it’s like a period and not labor like last time. I never EVER want to go through that pain again unless I’m actually giving birth. The emotional aspect is hard enough.

My beta went down from 110 to 45 in 2 days, then yesterday it was down to 8. Luckily the doctor isn’t making me have any more blood work done.

Trapped

Posted on: April 22, 2012

I’m not sure where to begin. My beta on Thursday went down from 110 to 45 in 2 days. I stopped all my meds that day. It’s been 4 days since then and I still have not had the miscarriage. As a matter of fact I stopped spotting 4 days ago was well. I’m going tomorrow to get another beta done to make sure my levels are down to zero.

Today is stake conference and I couldn’t bring myself to go. I tried, I even got dressed but then had a moment of extreme rage and just decided I couldn’t leave the house. I really wanted my husband to stay home with me but he had already committed to driving a friend (a friend who can’t drive). It’s a 45 minute drive so it was to late by then to find him another ride. So I get to sit home, alone for about 3 more hours. It’s miserable. I spend most of last week home alone.

I told my boss I planned on returning to work Monday but I’m not sure if I can. On the other hand I’m not sure how much un paid time off I want to take. I’m taking FMLA but not using my FTO so all the time I’m out of work is un paid. Funny how easy it was for me to drop $15k on these 3 FET’s (total cost for travel and what not for all 3) but to take a week off un paid from work is hard. Seems kind of stupid if you ask me.

I feel trapped. I have all kinds of thoughts that swim through my  head but I can’t seem to utter a word. I just sit here in silence completely miserable. The only words I seem to be able to utter is “I don’t know”.

Last night I went to the adult session of stake conference. The talks were good but just made me feel worse. The ride home was miserable. I refused to let my husband listen to a book but then just sat there in silence un able to say a word for nearly the entire trip. I feel trapped inside myself. I don’t want this to be happening. I just want for life to go back to the way it was before this FET. I’m totally and utterly miserable and I hate it.

Something that was said in a talk last night was something to the effect of “enduring cheerfully”. You know, the stories that are told of the “woman” someone once knew who went through something really tragic but always seemed to have a smile on her face. Well that’s all fine and dandy but I’m sure in private that woman went through hell. Why can’t we talk about that? Why is it always “put on a happy face for everyone?” really? I have no happy face right now I’m sorry. But then I feel guilty because I’m not “enduring cheerfully.”

In all honesty, and I know this is not true, I feel like God has Abandoned me. I’m not sure why I keep hitting road block’s. We have tried everything to become parents. It’s quite clear that my body is not baby friendly. And the thought of going back to adoption makes me want to throw up. It’s not an easy process. And for those of you who are new to my blog, well, suffice to say adoption is not easy and we hit every road block possible there too. No matter what I try it doesn’t work. Part of me wonders if I should just give up. Give up trying, give up on hoping that I’ll ever be a mom. Just give up on the dream. It’s to hard and I quit. And no one can say we didn’t try. 7 years. 4 IUI, 6 fresh IVF’s. 3 donor FET’s, a failed adoption at birth and a failed placement after we had the baby for 2 weeks.

IF we chose to do adoption I will have no contact with the birth mom this time. I always wanted an open relationship but all that does is bring heart break. So the adoption will likely be closed (and that’s hard to come by) or the pictures and what not will have to go through a lawyer or agency. Also I refuse to adopt in NH or any other state where TPR is done before a judge. While I do think that’s the best route to go for birth parents it’s not for me. I want TPR done at the hospital. I want to know that when I take that baby home the rights have been terminated.

Anyhow, I’m not sure how I’m going to survive the next 3 hours here all alone.

I just want life to go back to the way it was. I don’t want to deal with any of this crap.

And if anyone is wondering yes I’m in therapy. I have been for probably 5-6 years now.

FET #3

Posted on: April 18, 2012

So my 3rd FET started out well. Jon and I had a lovely vacation in San Diego! We went to Sea World which was the highlight of my trip! We also got to go to the flower fields and balboa park.

We thawed all 4 of our remaining embryo’s and all 4 survived beautifully. We transfered the best 3

at 4p5dt (9 dpo) I got this!
I was shocked I got such a dark line so early! Some of my friends thought for sure more then 1 implanted. 
I had a beta at 14dpo and it was 120! I was very happy with that number.
At 18 dpo I had another beta done and it was 110. Needless to say I’m quite devastated. Looks like we will be losing this pregnancy too. I have another blood test tomorrow just to be 100% sure it wasn’t an error. 
I’m completely crushed that this is happening again. 
The odd part is my HPT at 17DPO was darker then the control line so my HPT got darker but my beta went down. I’m holding out for a miracle tomorrow but knowing it’s not likely. I just hope it’s not ectopic.