Happily Ever After

Archive for July 2007

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Well I finally got to talk to my doctor at 4:30 today. Unfortunately our one and only embryo stopped growing at 10 cells. Which means it had stopped growing around 9 am on Wednesday morning. I had them keep it one more day to make sure it wouldn’t progress and it didn’t survive the night. I’m feel at a loss but at the same time I’m so glad this cycle has come to an end (so to speak). This was my vacation week and it was full of strong emotions and lots of tears. It wasn’t my “ideal” vacation but I’m glad I was at home instead of work. I don’t think I could have made it through work this week with all the ups and downs my husband and I have gone through over the past 72 hours. It took me 4 days to fully recover from my retrieval. 2 days more then it took the last time. I have no idea why but oh well. I’m feeling 100% better now so that is all that matters.

I’m kind of glad that this ended the way it did. My doctor had pretty much given me a zero percent chance of pregnancy. He said if it had happened I had a high chance of losing the baby early on. However I couldn’t possibly disregard the embryo if it was still growing.

It also would have been hard because my blood test to confirm pregnancy was scheduled for 7/29. Getting a negative days shy of going to Utah would have been hard. I’m pretty much a complete mess when ever I find out my IVF has failed and need more then just a few days to spend along (with Jon) to cry and deal with the frustration and pain.

I’m ok with the way this cycle ended and I do feel it’s for the best. Jon and I both need a little time away from the fertility treatments. He is fully on board with continuing them through school though. It will probably be 2-3 months before we have completed another IVF. The entire process, from beginning to finish, takes up to 2 1/2 months to complete anyway. I hate that it takes so long but unfortunately that is just the way it works. I do believe however that my body needs a little time before I start the medications again. I will continue with my acupuncture. It definately helps me to relax. I’m also going to be watching my diet and trying to get more protein. I’ll probably pick up some Whey protein from the store and use that as a supplement. Jon and I don’t eat a lot of meat so neither of us get enough protein. (I think…)

I’m glad that I am ok with the way this ended. I will be having a phone consultation with my doctor in about a week to go over my last two cycles. I have lots of questions for him. Neither of the protocols he used worked very well. he was happy with my first cycle, however I was not. There are also other tests they can do (like simple blood tests to test antibodies and check for a clotting issue) that he has not done. Typically you don’t do them until you have had 3 failed IVF’s. (this one is considered a failure in my book). However if my insurance will cover it (which I’m sure it will) I would like to get some of the testing done while Jon and I take a short break from TTC.

Jon and I are both very much ready for a child of our own and we just hope and pray that it doesn’t take much longer.



Posted on: July 18, 2007

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Well my RE called today and said that my embryo is growing at an abnormally fast rate. He said embryo’s that are abnormally fast or slow don’t result in pregnancies most of the time. He also mentioned that when they do there is an increased chance of a m/c. This also came from the embryologist. (the one that studies the embryo’s.

I begged my doctor to keep the embryo longer to see if it keeps growing. I’ll call tomorrow and get an update. If it makes it we will be going on Friday for the transfer. DH and I both praying really hard that this embryo pulls through the odds.

We have one

Posted on: July 17, 2007

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Well only one out of the 3 eggs fertilized with ICSI. it doesn’t make sense to me. Jon and I have lots of questions for the doctors. Putting the two IVF’s together we have a 44.4% fertilization rate. Then again, if we had one more egg this cycle (making it 4 total) and it had fertilized (good chance) we would have had a 50% fertilization rate…which really isn’t that much lower then the average (70%). I’m not sure if it’s us or if it’s the way the clinic does the ICSI that is making it low. Either way it is very frustrating. Unfortunately there are not answers for everything but not having an answer why makes it very hard to accept.

I’m very happy that we have (so far) one to transfer but sad at the same time. My chance of success drops by 25% by not transferring two. Granted our chances of twins is pretty much slim to none so that is good. I’d rather take the 30-40% chance of twins though to increase my chance of success from 25% (one embryo) to 50%+ with two or more. Anyhow, we go back on Wednesday to have the transfer done. My acupuncture seems to be working because my lining is a LOT thicker then it has been in the past. (makes for an extra nice environment for the embryo) I’m very nervous because if this one doesn’t work I think that Jon and I will be taking a break. This is hard emotionally for both of us and I just don’t know if I can put him through this roller coaster of a ride for his senior year of college. I guess it all depends on what his work load would be. Either way I plan on taking at least 2 months off (takes at least 2 to complete a IVF cycle anyway) and go on herbal treatments through my acupuncturist. It may sound bizzar to some people but I truly feel that with the right diet/supplements that we can put our bodies in better shape and help them (our bodies) do what they should be doing in the first place. Jon and I are “unexplained” infertility. (no good reason why we are not pregnant) I would also request he do some more testing. There are certain tests that they won’t do until you have had 3 failed IVF cycles. Each IVF cycle takes up to 2 months from start to finish. I have already completed two. I’m NOT going to make them put me through a 3rd cycle. (unless of course my insurance company says so…they do have the say in the end) There are more blood tests (antibody tests) they can do. I’m also going to have a talk with my doctor to see what his next protocol for me will be and to make sure it is what I think would be best. I know this is prideful but I feel like I could have handled my two cycles better then he did. There is no reason I should have such a poor response to the FSH drugs. It is obvious that the Lupron suppressed me WAY to much this time.

Anyhow, I just hope I don’t need to go any further then this. I’m tired and ready to get off this ride and so is Jon. My due date would be April 6th (which we think is kind of neat) that would be about a month 1/2 before he graduates. it would make for a rough last semester for him but it would make it possible for me to stay home and not work.

I am not sure when my blood test will be but I won’t be divulging that information so don’t ask. 😉 If by chance this does not work I will (like always) need my time to grieve before being totally ok with having to move on.

I honestly can’t imagine how people get pregnant on accident. I mean no wonder it takes up to a year to get pregnant. it is amazing how many things go into an egg being fertilized or even making it to a baby. The process is a total miracle. NO doctor would say otherwise. It really burns me to see how many people are out there that don’t cherish the miracles that they have. I can say that one thing I have gotten out of this is that I will appreciate the life my husband and I create more then I would have before. I think some people take for granted the creation of life. It is nothing short of a miracle. Just the simple fact that it happens in and of itself is a miracle.

out of all my medicated cycles Jon and I have had over 3 years worth of eggs and we have no baby. if this one little embryo pulls through and brings us a baby it will indeed be a miracle.

this is a post from my open diary account dated 7/12

This IVF cycle has been a complete nightmare from the beginning. Hopefully (unlike most nightmares) this will have a happy ending.

I started my FSH drugs 7 days ago. This was my first month on Lupron. I had to make my doctor have me go on for a estrogen (E2) test to make sure the Lupron was indeed suppressing me…which thankfully it was. Anyhow, usually he will have me go in for another E2 test and u/s after 3 days of the FSH meds. He didn’t. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Today was my first u/s and my third E2 draw. My E2 was nice and high but I only have 3 measurable follicles and a 4th that might catch up. I’m so stinking mad. Not only did I only have 4 but two of them were mature…which means I have no time to try to harvest more eggs. IF he had me go in 3 days ago for an u/s to see how many I had he would have had time to increase my dosage of FSH in hopes of getting more. It’s obvious that the Lupron suppressed me to much so it looks as though I won’t be using that protocol again.

I get the call from my doctors nurse with his instructions. “take your meds for 3 more days then go in for an u/s” I ended up cutting her off and saying “IS HE SERIOUS? My follicles grow up to 3mm a day!” (normal people have a growth of 1-2mm per day even with FSH meds) If he was reviewing my chart he would have known this. If I had taken his advise I would go in 3 days from now with follicles close to 30mm (unless my some miracle they slowed down-which can happen) Anyhow, she went to talk to him and came back and said “he says you are right. do your meds tonight and go in for your E2 and u/s tomorrow.”

Is he crazy? I shouldn’t be the one telling the doctor what I need to do. He should know all this. I know that mistakes happen but he totally messed up my last cycle too. He stuck me on 150IU of gonal f. The same dosage I was on for all 3 of my injectable IUI cycles…I (accept for one bizszar cycle where I had 13 mature eggs) I had 6-8 eggs. He should have known to start me on a higher dosage for IVF. He didn’t…so…big shocker…I only had 8 follicles for retrieval. Which translated to 7 eggs, 6 good quality, 3 fertilized with ICSI. *sigh*

I can’t wait for this nightmare to be over. Hopefully all 4 of the follicles will mature and contain an egg. If I don’t have at least 3 (which I should) I will be canceled and do an IUI (which I don’t really have to much hope for that working).

GRRR Besides all that I’m sick of the fact that the hormones make me a mental case. I’m balling my eyes out one second and angry the next…then happy…then crying…then mad. I feel like a psychopath. I started balling my eyes out at my desk to day. I tried so hard not to cry but couldn’t. One of my co workers had to pull me aside (has daughters of her own my age) to see if I was ok. I hate crying in public.

Melissa is here for a month and it’s so good to have her back. I love Jon but it will be nice to have a girl to talk to. We are going to friendlies for dinner and ice cream tonight. YUMMY! I also hope that i get to take her and the kids to the beach next week. I’m on vacation starting tomorrow at 5 pm! YAY! I have not been to the beach once and this will probably be my only time so I hope we have nice hot weather next week!

Jon and I found out that we can have brother Freere help us with our boiler and insurance will cover anything that could go wrong. I made sure that they would because he is not licensed or insured (and they know that) so I had to cover our bases. It is going to save us a TON of money. I’m excited! I thought we’d end up having to dish out $6,000 for the heating system and I was NOT looking forward to parting with the money. I work hard for it and it is so hard to spend it. I hate seeing that balance go down after working so hard to build it up. LOL

CD 1

Posted on: July 3, 2007

So AF finally found me. I get to drop my lupron from 10 units to 5 units. I also get to start my gonal f on Friday. I start on 225 units then go in to get my E2 level checked on Monday.

I had a dream last night that I had a nice baby bump. It was kind of sad when I woke up and realized that I wasn’t pregnant.